Gru's Boo
by Shingekyo
Summary: Dave admired Gru because of his heinous acts but unbeknownst to him, the small yellow henchman was also interested in anus acts. Does Gru share any similar desires?


**Gru's Boo**

 **[Gru x Dave]**

 **Author's Note:** _Welp, it's that time of year again! My roommate wants another crack fic for her birthday so without futher ado, I bring you… whatever this is. :') If you like reading hilarious garbage, be sure to check out my Bee Movie fic called Love Stings._

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Dave looked up as Felonius Gru described his evil plot to take over the moon. The henchman wasn't sure what did it. It could have been his loud, booming voice. It could have been the sexy Russian accent. It could have been his impressive theft of the Times Square jumbotron. It could have been the way that the light of the large television shone atop his bald head, or the way that the sparklers flickered to reveal the gray flecks within his blue eyes. It could have been the way his larger-than-life personality shone even in his darkest moments. Whatever the case may be, one thing was for certain. Dave was in love with his boss.

That was why he whipped out his rocket launcher as Gru began to describe his plans for his next grand heist. It didn't matter how insignificant or petty the crime was. Dave would be with Gru every step of the way. Dave got too excited and released a small rocket from the launcher, earning the attention of the object of his desires. Some minions were harmed in the process, but that didn't matter. Dave saw them as competitors. He wanted to be the one that Gru directed all of his attention to. Unfortunately, in this case, he had received negative attention. Gru gave the minion a scornful look. "Hey… Dave? LISTEN UP, PLEASE!" The evil mastermind shouted. Dave flushed with embarrassment as Gru scolded him in front of his peers. He looked down in shame and muttered out an apology. His comrade waddled over to him and added insult to injury by punching him in the arm. He deserved the foul treatment, but Gru was wrong about one thing. He _had_ been listening. He was always listening to the dreams and desires of his unrequited love. He simply got too excited… as usual. Dave's downcast expression didn't change until a platform raised the evil mastermind up. "Next… we are going to steal…(pause for effect)... THE MOOOOOOON!" The ceiling opened up to reveal the moon. It was larger than life, and so, so beautiful… just like…

The entire room erupted in cheers. His henchmen were elated to learn that Gru had the potential to outshine every other villain and villainess. They had begun to lose hope, but that hope was quickly returned.

Later that night, he put his three adoptive daughters to bed and kissed them goodnight. Gru smiled contentedly and quietly closed the door behind him. Gru turned around and gasped quietly when he saw hordes of minions led by Dave. Dave asked Gru for goodnight kisses for him and the minions. It was childish, but it had to be done. It was the simplest way to earn Gru's affections. Gru refused at first, but he reluctantly agreed. The minions formed a line and Dave was the first one to be kissed by Gru. He loved the feeling of his thin, wet lips on his small jaundice-esque body, but he wasn't satisfied with just that so he came back and cut in line. However, Gru recognized him and asked, "Didn't I get you already?" The minion who stood behind Dave hit him in the back of the head. Dave laughed and walked away, knowing that he was memorable in the eyes of his loved one.

Things were different from then on. Gru adapted into the role of a father and he put his evil dream to steal the moon on hold. He grew lonely and seeked attention from other women. Not once did he consider Dave throughout the years, so the little minion had to move on. Gru became acquainted with Lucy, a fiery redhead with a strong sense of justice. She worked as his partner in the Anti-Villain league. Yes, that's right. The once evil man's heart had grown three sizes too big. Since then, he had become a hero with a gray moral standing. Dave immediately crushed on the tall, slender woman... and he wasn't alone. Gru also desired to be with her. That thought made him burn with jealousy so he decided to confront the former mastermind. After all… Dave was trying to move on. Gru needed to respect that. He had to put bros before hoes. The minion confessed his feelings towards his boss and explained his current predicament. Gru was shocked, to say in the least. Him and Lucy were getting closer, after all, and Gru needed a mother for his children…

Which is why they came up with a new arrangement after him and Lucy got married. Still, Dave thought that he was nothing but 'the other woman' at first. He was the side piece who would never earn his Master's affections… or so he thought.

* * *

 **147 Dates and A Couple Months Later**

* * *

Felonius Gru stepped out of the elevator with a lost look in his eyes. He glanced about his impressive lab searching for the one who held his cold heart in his gloved hands. He searched near and far until he spotted the one who was the center of all his intimate fantasies. He spotted Dave and the minion's half lidded gaze caused flames to shoot into his Supreme Evilness' groin. They kept their escapades a secret from Gru's daughters, but that was going to change once Dave had found a worthy lace front wig. With a smear of Barbie pink lipstick and a pair of false lashes, his true identity would be hidden from the human populace for some inexplicable reason. That was why Gru had resolved to propose to his secret lover.

"Bello, Gru," Dave mouthed as his Master moved towards him. A hungry look entered Gru's eyes as he followed his bed partner away from the crowd. He gave the other minions a couple of lackluster greetings and rushed over to Dave. Dave turned and gave him a seductive wink before sauntering to the elevator. Gru gasped when he realized that Dave intended to do the naughty inside of the enclosed space. Dave giggled upon hearing his Master's reaction before whispering, "Pwede na? Me want banana."

Gru was overtaken with delight as he looked at the minion's big brown eyes. "Yes, we can start, you little minx. All I got is four minutes," Gru mimicked Madonna in his trademark accented drawl. Dave nodded and slowly removed his overalls to reveal a red thong. Gru salivated at the sight. Dave bent down with his ass in the air and Gru grabbed it. He fondled it lovingly before removing the red lace with his teeth, revealing the delicious crack of his yellow bottom. His lover reminded him of a cracked lemon tic tac that was just begging to be eaten, and Gru was never one to disappoint. He prepared Dave's asshole by licking it like it was a tutti frutti ice cream cone. Dave moaned loudly. "Hana! Hana! Hana!" The minion shouted. Gru obliged and stuck one finger up Dave's asshole. "Dul!" Dave shouted. Gru stuck a second one in. "Sae!" The minion screamed in delight. Gru stuck a third one in and moved his fingers around before he removing them and shoved his long, pointy nose up his lover's asshole. He inhaled the scent that was inherently Dave's. Dave groaned and repeated, "Si! Si! Si!"

"Yes what?" Gru questioned as he raised an eyebrow.

"Si, Zaddy!"

Gru removed his nose slowly and tantalizingly before shoving it back in again. Dave clenched the scarf that Gru wore around his neck and Gru flushed at the idea of being choked by one of his sexy yellow Mighty Beanz. The two continued their naked waltz until the elevator doors opened, revealing three horrified little girls and one soon-to-be-estranged mother.

"Ewwwwww!" The girls shrieked. Lucy looked on in horror.

"Gru! What are you doing?!" his wife shouted. Gru removed his nose from Dave's behind. It was dripping with Dave's organic pineapple-infused detox water. He inhaled and let the sticky white liquid enter his nostril. He knew that he had to take drastic measures to get rid of his spouse, since clearly she would never leave him willingly. He was far too handsome with his Neanderthal-esque character design.

"I'm sorry to do this to you gorls, but I have no choice. I can't to hide my love for my favorite little twinkie anymore. It's just too much to bear. I hope you will understand." A tear escaped Gru's eye as he whipped out a freeze gun and froze Lucy. Her body was encased in ice but her eyes darted around frantically. The girls gasped and held onto one another tightly. Gru took Dave's tiny hand and got down on one knee.

"Dave... my dear, sweet Dave... will you marry me now that my wife is out of the picture?"

"La boda?" Dave asked.

"Yes, I'm asking for your hand in marriage."

"Bi do, tatata bala tu."

"You hate me? Why?!"

The minion stole his wallet and took out his cash. He waved it in Gru's face. "No! No raises!" Gru exclaimed. He was truly an evil tyrant in that regard, but his inherent badness was what drew Dave to him in the first place. However, the minion wasn't going to back down without a fight. Dave crossed his arms and turned away from him. "Come on, don't be like that!" The evil mastermind whined. The minion blew him a raspberry. Dave wiggled his butt and danced until his Master groaned and threw money at him. "Huh. Love isn't cheap," Gru muttered. "Well gorls, here is your new mother," he told them. Dave looked up at the girls and batted his eyelashes innocently.

"I don't want another new mother! I want Lucy!" Margo shouted. Gru rolled his eyes.

"Well, could be worse. I could have chosen Miss Hattie."

Margo's jaw went slack. He knew that his rash decision simply wasn't fair to her and the other girls, but Gru left them with no choice but to accept their new reality because every villain is lemons.

"At least put on some clothes," Edith muttered. She let out an exasperated sigh. Agnes clutched onto her pet goat so tightly that its neck snapped. The young child cried loudly but her sobs were being drowned out by the sounds of Gru and Dave going at it again. Dave wanted his Master's real banana, not the pointy copy that was on his face. The girls whined loudly and cried.

"I hate it here!" Margo shouted. She ran to her room and slammed the door. Gru shrugged indifferently.

"Teenagers. Am I right?"

"Stupa!" The minion told him to stop. He was being too insensitive towards his daughter's plight. Dave moved away from his lover and abandoned his pride as he attempted and failed to walk. He limped over to Margo's room so that the two of them could work out their differences. He knocked on the door three times. "Bi do," he murmured an apology. "Bi do." His volume increased after he was met with silence. "Bi do! Bi do!"

"Shut up already!" She exclaimed. She had had enough. "I hate you!"

Dave sighed and moved away from the door. If she wasn't going to respect his desire to get laid then she wasn't worth his time or effort anyway. She was on her own now, as far as he was concerned. Dave stomped back over to Gru and jumped up so that Gru could take ahold of him. Dave kissed his lips and whispered in an uncharacteristically deep voice,

"I want you to fuck me raw right outside of your daughter's bedroom tonight, big Zaddy."

Gru was so shocked that his jaws appeared to unhinge like a snake's. He didn't know that the miniature beancock could speak English. The idea of the minion dirty talking turned him on so much that he came all over the floor as his frozen wife watched. Gru's goo was _everywhere_ the minute he pictured Dave whispering, "Hey how you doin lil mama? Lemme whisper in your ear _._ " Dave used the white, sticky substance as hair gel and he slicked his hair back. He laid down with his legs spread apart and allowed his delicious Russian lover to take him into another galaxy.

The two laid next to each other in the middle of the hallway after their wild sex was through. They were both naked and panting in the hallway. Gru didn't even have the energy to get down on one knee because the minion rammed his ass with his Super Weenie Hut Jr, but he still opted to break the peaceful silence between them. "I will ask again," he started. "Dave, my scrumptious lemon Mike and Ike®, will you marry me?" The felon asked before shooting his lover an apprehensive glance.

Dave kissed Gru long and hard before he let out a resounding "Si." He immediately started touching something else that was long and hard. He honked Gru's nose and the two let out some carefree laughter. Their future would forever be intertwined, and no one was ever going to come in between them. Anyone who tried to do so would be eliminated immediately, whether it be friend or foe. Dave was sure of it. He snuggled up to his lover and placed a loud smacking kiss on his cheek before sticking his tongue at the ice sculpture of Lucy. Gru would forever be his and his alone, whether Margo liked it or not. He slid his tongue in his Master's mouth and made out with him before pulling away with a smirk. If Margo had a problem with the two of them being together, then she could go choke on a banana.


End file.
